Hey, whoever has my Voodoo doll: can you give her a little forehead kiss?

With all due respect to a widely misrepresented diasporic religion that I admit I have looked into zero amount beyond media representation— I’m really gonna need my puppeteer, my guardian angel, the devil on my shoulder, my assigned NSA agent or whomever to cut me a fuckin break, man. Dear John Quiñones: I did not consent to be on your little show.

Before I enter into my rant I have a disclaimer: I have no interest in recounting how fortunate I am that things could be worse. Actually, it does not bring me peace to hear there is a magma core beneath rock bottom that I have not yet breached. When I go low, it isn’t reassuring that there is an even lower. Cut that shit out. Positivity fuels my despair.

I will spare you all the details of how everything that could go wrong has gone wrong for me in the past 2 months (a period that has felt like 10 years). No one wants the details of my job precarity, my seriously injured dog (who is the source of my entire emotional wellbeing), my failed vacation, my totaled car, and a mental healthcare bill on it’s way to collections.

I grew up in an evangelical setting and I keep hearing in the back of my mind that adage that the lord will never give you more than you can handle. Well, consider me fully deconstructed because that’s some bullshit. A) If there is a lord doling out this sort of mental (re: financial) torture, that’s pretty fucked up. And I have no interest in worshipping that, actually. Quite the opposite. B) It’s more than I can handle. Officially.

After I was rear-ended me on the freeway, everyone said how it was so great that no one was injured. I get the sentiment, but if I am being completely honest I wouldn’t mind a coma right about now. I’m about to Girl, Interrupted up in this place.

I would love to wrap this up with something less fatalistic. Mostly, I would just like to let the spirit of beelzebub (or whatever lesser demon, I’m not picky) enter into me and take the wheel. If this is all some grand lesson on how I handle adversity, consider it the first test my straight A dorkass has failed.