My Dung Beetle Shit Ball

How I Quit Social Media (temporarily)

I have been on a social media hiatus—which sounds like I am taking some sort of intentional break from meaningful work in a professional space when really what I mean is that I logged off my little internet accounts to save my retinas from staring into the dark chasm of the envy and self-loathing that is my obsession with Instagram advertisements schlepping overpriced items I would otherwise charge to my credit card and subsequently endorse unfair foreign labor practices (not to mention the destruction of the environment) all so I can get a fleeting rush of endorphins. But, like, I literally needed another cell phone case so you can’t fault me.

Anyhoo, this has been a very successful break for me as I have transitioned from clicking on ads insidiously parsed between my friends’ life updates and just gone directly to the source by downloading all of the shopping applications. Now my newsfeed is the 400 thousand emails that Poshmark auto subscribed me to.

I want to throw my phone into the ocean but also I would gladly anchor it to my ankles and let it drag me to the seafloor.

The effort of separating myself from my phone is similar to the dung beetle rolling a ball of elephant shit up out of a 2 inch crevasse. This is a meaningful metaphor if you have any taste and have experienced Paul Rudd narrate Apple TV+’s Tiny World. The dung beetle rolls up poop orbs dispersed in the African savannah in order to show off his skills for potential mates. But the tiniest indentation in the earth can be a huge setback—think Sisyphus.

I, too, am rolling around my shit into one curated sphere to encourage camaraderie with others. Do you like this meme I found? Look how sexy my television show recommendations are. Here’s all the books I read and boots I own. Please love me.

Speaking of overconsumption for the sake of fitting in, have you all seen Queen of Versailles Reigns Again on HBO Max? Arguably high brow television, this docuseries follows Jackie Siegel, a former beauty pageant queen, and her family’s quest to build a replica of Versailles in Orlando, Florida USA. The square footage of said residence is continually to compared to, and I quote: “Bigger than a Super Walmart.” The slapstick antics of this program showcase the average American problems. Who among us has not purchased an entire $9 million USD Italian marble quarry only to have those imported slabs crumble from the facade of our family homes and into the swamps of Florida? If you can’t relate, take comfort in knowing the landlord whose mortgage you pay certainly can! *insert radio jockey “ruh roh” Scooby Doo sound effect*

Some might say that it’s a disgrace to French culture and history to add a Benihana to the premises of this renowned palatial estate—but this is satire, this is art, this is history repeating itself on American soil. Marie Antoinette would fucking kill for a Teppanyaki grill.

Before I go, I just want to let you all know that not every (or any!) piece of media you consume needs to be Shakespeare and if you want to embark on a quality cinematic journey that is generally considered a flop, then do I have a recommendation to roll up into my dung beetle shit ball for you! Uncharted is Indiana Jones meets The Goonies meets The Mummy meets Tom Holland’s Peter Parker goofiness (and six pack) and if they need to crowdfund the sequel I will happily contribute. Sure, it stars Mark Wahlberg who almost certainly asked his cousin’s boyfriend’s coworker to represent him on January 6, 2021, but this is a film for your eyes not your thoughts! Enjoy and thank me later.

Sincerely,

Lane